Smarts

Last month, another of those “10 Smartest Dog Breeds” lists came out.  This one had beagles at #4.  Now let’s think about this.  Dogs don’t take SATs or ACTs or Wonderlic tests, so what, exactly, are we going by?  How easily we can be trained?  Border collies and German Shepherds are ranked ahead of me because they can be taught to work.  And this makes them smart?  Hmm . . .    I remember how I handled my first trainer.  He couldn’t get me to sit, stay, heel, or come.  Why would I want to?  So he muttered, “What a dumb dog” under his breath, Beagle Man heard him — and fired him.  Mission accomplished.  Trainer #2 used one of those electric buzzers.  They really weren’t that

painful, but it was the principle of the thing.  So I’d cower and whimper at the sight of his car in the driveway, Robby would feel awful, and he got the B-Man to can that guy, too.  Mission accomplished — again.  Now let’s talk problem solving.  What’s my main problem?  Getting more food.  Duh.  One way I do this:  Cozy up to a newcomer visiting our house — like Carrie cultivating an “asset” on Homeland — and before you know it, I’ll snatch the newbie’s roast beef sandwich.  Or, say I can’t reach the brownies.  I’ll just tug on the table cloth until the whole damn spread comes tumbling down — like I did at Trinity a few weeks ago.  And you can’t shake my focus, either:  Mrs. B will try to distract me with a salad while she’s eating her chicken parmigiana.  Does she really think I’m gonna fall for that?  No, I’ll keep zeroing in on that chicken parm; the salad will still be there later.  So you tell me:  Are the dogs rated ahead of me actually smarter?  Or just more docile and eager to please?

The Roof Rack Report (#roofrackreport on Twitter, for those who follow me already on @BeagleManHank) appears on Mondays, usually.  Actually, whenever Beagle Man decides to give me some space . . .