Parting Shots

When I’m not writing for Beagle Man, I’m writing for brands. So here’s a summary of my trip in the form of a Best Western commercial.

Best Western Hotels/“Hank and Kemba”  :30 

WE OPEN ON A MAN AND HIS DOG WALKING INTO THE LOBBY OF A BEST WESTERN. WE HEAR HIS VOICE FROM OFF-CAMERA.

VO: Every year Kemba and I drive across country. 

MAN WALKS UP TO THE DESK. A SMILING ATTENDANT IS WAITING.

Man: Hi, I’m Hank Herman, I called about a room. 

ATTENDANT PUTS A DOGGIE GOODIE BAG ON THE DESK. DOG LEAPS AND GRABS IT, AND STARTS TEARING APART THE WRAPPING.

VO: And if there’s one thing I’ve learned, there’s really not much you can plan for. 

IN THE NEXT FEW SCENES, WE SEE THE MAN AT VARIOUS BEST WESTERNS, TALKING TO THE STAFF.

Man: We’re going to Glacier National Park today. Any recommendations?

Attendant: You know it’s closed, right?

HOLDING A CHEWED-TO-PIECES PHONE CHARGER…

Man: Do you know where I can get another phone charger?

…AND A CHEWED-UP MAP.

Man: Do you have a map of the area?

…AND IN THE LOBBY, TALKING TO ANOTHER GUEST, EATING A SNACK BAR WITH ONE HAND, AND HOLDING OFF HIS DOG WITH THE OTHER.

Man: He’s a Nova Scotia Duck Tolling Retriever.

Guest: A what?

WE SEE A BELLBOY HELPING THE MAN MOVE THE DOG CRATE (AMONGST OTHER THINGS) FROM THE CAR TO THE ROOM.

Bellboy: You do this every year?

Man: Yep. 

DOG IS INCESSANTLY LEAPING TO GET TRAIL MIX FROM THE DOLLY.

Bellboy: Are you nuts?

VO: It doesn’t make sense to everyone, but it makes sense to us. 

FINALLY WE SEE THE TWO OF THEM SETTLED IN A COZY BEST WESTERN ROOM. THE MAN IS IN HIS BED GOING OVER SOME MAPS FOR THE NEXT DAY, AND THE DOG IS SLEEPING PEACEFULLY BESIDE HIM.*

VO: I’m Hank Herman, (DOG SNORES) and this is Kemba. And our hotel is Best Western. 

*I had my own room, so I’m giving Kemba/Best Western the benefit of the doubt on this one.

—

The most shocking part of the trip for me was that at no point in any of the driving — 1,480 miles in total (thanks to the Glacier Park ‘detour’) — was I bored. Maybe it’s because we always had a target; a goal to achieve. Maybe it’s because the interesting sights (and yes, when you’re not used to seeing cows, steer, and signs saying “Welcome to North Dakota. Legendary”, it’s interesting) plus Hank’s Top 300 provided more than enough for us to talk about. And maybe because there was a red dog with Attention Deficit Disorder crawling back and forth from the front seat to the rear. I knew this trip would cross off five states I’d never been to. I had no idea it would be this much fun.

—

Sitting at breakfast on my final morning, I saw the wheels in Beagle Man’s head turning, preparing for life without me.

“I’m gonna go to the car, get the hotel’s phone number from my guidebook, and book a room for tonight.”

“Are you sure?” I asked. “I can just look it up on my phone.”

He shot me a look of triumph and liberation, like he’d finally quit his job and I was his oppressive boss.

“You’re leaving today. I’m going back to all my routines.”

I did throw off a lot of his routines.

-I used Google Maps instead of his navigation.

-I sat in Kemba’s seat.

-I drove sometimes.

-I needled him about Glacier (although, as he pointed out, I could’ve been worse).

-I skipped songs I didn’t like in the Top 300.

-I ran a VERY tight ship, which left him time for only one post in five days (and it was from Kemba).

-Oh, and one more: At the Bell Street Dog Park in Seattle, Beagle Man Van Gogh crafted a picture of Kemba and a Great Dane which he was certain would be his Instagram masterpiece. The angle, the depth of field, the caption from Go Dog, Go — he was ready to out-Like Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez.

Except as we walked around Pike Place Market, he kept putting off posting. And then when he wanted to do it in the parking lot, I wouldn’t let him. Instead I told him to post while I was driving, because we had a long way to go, and “he’d have nothing else to do.”

But as we left Seattle, cell service left too…and never returned. Poor B-Man couldn’t share his work until eight hours later, long after his fan base back east had gone to bed.

He topped out at 14 likes, and he’s NOT alright with it, stewing right up to the moment I left.

Tagging along was a blast. But it wasn’t routine.

I think they’re better off alone.